It's been a while since I've made a post. I'm sitting at school on my teacher's personal MacBook typing this. For some incomprehensible reason, another teacher is using the school MacBooks in a class with freshman. I don't think I'd trust freshman with that responsibility. Definitely not.

But I'm stuck in this class, and I'm watching the people. One girl is sitting, chewing on her finger. Red sweatshirt, ripped jeans that probably came from Aeropostle, Livestrong bracelet. Next to her a girl is staring at her phone. Someone's sleeping in the corner.

There are two preppy bitches right in front of me that keep laughing. They're obnoxious. Teachers are walking by in the hallway, louder than some students would be. My teacher is sitting at her work computer, putting grades in or taking attendance.

Truthfully, it's not very exciting at all. There's snow on the ground outside. It's freezing in here, I have to say. I just got out of gym. Me and my friend Andrea played extreme ping pong, and I did more physical work than I have so far in gym. There's a few stoners in one of the corners of the room, looking bored and chewing their gum like cows. I am full from the spicy grilled cheese at lunch. Good, yes. Spicy, no. Shit. I forgot to let my sister know to meet me after school. Oh well. I'll tell a teacher to catch her.

I finally figured out what the creative writing class is doing. They have a prompt to write about. "I remember..."

I have no idea if my teacher will have them read it out loud. My creative writing I teacher always asked for volunteers, after, of course, reading his own. His were always sarcastic and entertaining.

The stoners are giggling. The teacher is telling them to finish their thoughts. And I, as the independent study student, am extremely bored. Hence, I come onto Xanga, which is the only site not yet blocked by the school district.

That's another thing I hate. Internet filters. If they can see where we go, why do they care about us being able to access sites? It's pointless to block Facebook: half the school has iPhones. They can check their Facebook whenever they want. Some of us have to stick to more crafty plans, because we have shitty phones. Usually I end up on a teacher's computer on Facebook. Teachers can access it, we just can't.

We can't access Youtube, either. It's a little pointless, but whatever.

They're almost done, and I'm going to listen. Later!

I spend most of my time confused. Mainly because I don't act normally. I'm socially awkward, and being around people freaks me out sometimes.

But other times, I need that human contact. But I need the contact with no strings attached.

I'm deathly afraid of any guy who shows me that he cares [especially if he says it]. But I have no problem making out with a guy I've just met.

I've been hurt too many times to let someone in, commit to someone, and fully trust them.

But I'm far from a slut or a whore. It's not like I go out every weekend just to make out with guys. I haven't had close contact with a guy since the beginning of December.

And there's this guy that I'm attracted to. I work with him. But he wants a fully committed relationship. I'm 17. I don't want to be tied down. I want to explore who I am with no strings attached. And that kind of scares me.

So, what do I do? I'm miserable without contact, but I'm jumpy around people who show that they care.